My husband and I facilitated family retreats. We have one session where we sit down with the husband and wife on retreat and share our story. Much to my husband's dismay, I start that session with these words, "Hi, my name is Linda Tedrick and I am a recovering control freak. This is my husband, Bob, and he is a recovering non-communicator. Everyday is still a challenge, and that is why I'm doing all the talking and he is saying nothing." Every couple would laugh and say that they could relate.
We all know that communication is a very important element in every relationship. If there's not much communication, there's not much of a relationship. That is why the most important communication we can do, is to pray. Prayer is nothing more than talking with God. According to St. John Vianney, there are two duties of man --- to pray, and to love. During my self-centered period, I would talk with God and tell Him everything I wanted from Him. Likewise, I would talk to my husband and tell him everything I wanted from him. Gee, I wonder why he didn't enjoy talking with me?!!
When my conversation with God began to be more about what I could do for God, my life had meaning and I was filled with gratitude and joy. Likewise, I saw that when I spoke with my husband about what I could do for him, he started to turn the t.v. off, or the radio, or put the paper down, or whatever it was that he was doing to avoid talking with me stopped. Because I was more attentive to his needs and valued what he had to say, the miracle of a positive, loving dialogue was born in our marriage. He followed my lead, and started to ask what he could do for me and he started to value what I had to say. Talking together led to doing good works together united with God. We are very grateful and joyful. I must add that it amazes me that once my ears were opened to accept whatever my husband had to say, I found his words to be very profound a lot of the time.
There are still times that I feel the need to bring up something that is unpleasant or derogatory. In those moments, I pray. God's Word always encourages me to love dutifully by valuing all that is good in my husband. He reminds me of his goodness for the mere fact that he came from God and God is incapable of creating anything but good. God dwells in him, and he is beautiful. When I see him in that light, he begins to shine.
At a conference I attended once, a psychologist explained that a child who is told that he is bad, will act bad because that is who he is. If he is bad, he must do bad things. God showed me that if a spouse is told (or feels) that he/she is not worthily contributing, he/she will act accordingly. There is good in everyone because God dwells in us. Once I truly began to value my husband's contribution to our family, even though I wasn't in control, our conversations and actions were blessed. Following my husband's lead by not needing to talk endlessly about everything has also blessed us!
The lesson I have learned is that every conversation should be an encouragement to pray and to love. The statement, "let's pray on it" or "let's value everyone because God dwells in them and we are to be obedient to God's command to love everyone" should be stated often, and lived! When we encounter a difficult situation with a person, let's communicate to ourself, "How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord of hosts!" (Psalm 84:2) Strong and fruitful relationships will grow and bloom.
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