For many years, I desired a lot and I expected a lot of others, especially of my husband and children. The energy I wasted trying to make things happen the way I desired it, makes me cringe. My hope was in my plans, and when I was not obtaining what I desired, I was sad and felt alone. There are still times that I start to feel like nothing is ever going to change, that no matter how hard I try, the good that I desire and expect isn't going to happen. But the difference now is that I truly know God, and we have a close relationship. I spend time with Him every day, talking with Him, listening for Him, reading His Word, receiving His body and blood, seeking His presensce in my daily life.
When I look to my family to do the good that I want them to do, I take my eyes off of the one that has desires for me and expectations of me. God has a plan for each of us to return to Him and be with Him today and forever in glory. Whenever I have pushed my family to live according to my plan, I miss out on the opportunity to be a part of God's plan, which is always so much better than I could ever imagine myself. Here's my story that taught me about the virtue of hope.
During my second year of being a paid youth minister at our Catholic parish, I organized a youth summer mission trip. Ten teens signed up for the week mission to a large inner city area, an eight hour trip from our hometown. Since I was going to be the female adult chaperone, I needed to recruit a male adult chaperone to be with the boys. Much fund raising was required to cover the expense of travel, accommodations, food, etc. The preparation took months. I had never gone on a mission before or planned one.
A young male adult who happened to be the son of our Religious Education Director at the parish, and who had helped me in other youth events, volunteered to accompany us on the trip. Then two months before the scheduled departure, he got a new job and could not get vacation time to chaperone the trip with me. I immediately had a new plan.
That night at dinner, I explained to my husband the predicament I was in. Very nonchalantly I say, "I guess you'll have to go with me." To which, my husband responds, "Yeah, right." That was all the indication I needed, that he was going to go along with my plan. Afterall, he didn't say, "No way." So, I went along my merry way in finalizing the details of the trip.
About three weeks prior to our departure, my husband makes it very clear that he had no intentions on going on this mission trip. No amount of begging or coercion was going to work. In desperation, I put out an S.O.S. to all the parents of the teens, some friends, cousins, and to all the youth ministers in our diocese, searching for someone who might qualify as the other adult chaperone. At this point, I was looking for someone with experience working with teens, male or female. Giving people only three weeks notice made it impossible to find someone. I informed my Pastor of the situation and that we may need to cancel the mission. Unbeknownst to me, that night the Pastor said something to my husband at a parish function, as did another co-worker of mine. Needless-to-say, this did not make for a happy home that evening.
With two weeks to go and still no second chaperone, I went before the Blessed Sacrament and cried out, "Please forgive my husband, Lord, for not going on the mission with us. He just isn't as far along in his faith journey as me." Before I could even finish my lamentation, I heard in my head, that I should be begging for forgiveness for myself, as I have done my husband wrong. My thoughts continued to chastise me by stating that God has asked me to be the youth minister, not Bob, and I even have our Pastor and my co-worker thinking badly of him. It was me who desired my husband to go because I can count on him and it would be easier on me. My thoughts concluded with me hearing that I should apologize to my husband. So, I asked for the grace to be able to do just that, because I certainly did not have it within myself. In fact, I had hardly spoken to him in a week.
Upon entering our home shortly after that encounter with Jesus, I sat across from my husband in the living room. I told Bob that God wanted me to apologize to him about the entire mission trip ordeal. (Notice that I didn't come right out and apologize, I said that God wanted me to apologize.) My husband, the one that I accused of not being as far along in his faith journey as me, immediately looked at me and said, "I accept your apology." No other words followed. That was it. If the roles were reversed, I know I would have had to have said, "I knew God would agree with me" or something along those lines. So much for my superior journey of faith!
Now that my plan had completely failed, I was free to put my hope in God's plan. I trusted that God desired and expected me to go on this mission trip with these youth. Therefore, I knew that God desired and expected some other adult to accompany me. I kept placing urgent phone calls and requests, waiting on the Lord's plan to unfold. The itinerary of the trip included the chaperones picking up two mini-vans on Saturday, all mission trip participants were to attend that Saturday's Vigil Mass together and receive a special blessing, then head out on Sunday morn really early. If we did not have a second chaperone on that Saturday morning, the trip was to be cancelled. However, I was at peace that God had a plan for this mission and it was going to happen. In fact, I was sure of it.
The Friday evening before the cancellation deadline, my home phone rang and I told my husband, "This is my angel chaperone calling" and it was. A lovely young female adult, a teacher with the summer off, and who worked with the youth ministry team in one of the parishes of our diocese, felt that she was supposed to be our other chaperone. And she was!
It is my belief that all twelve of us, like the twelve apostles, who were a part of that mission, had an encounter with Jesus. I know that I was profoundly changed because of the entire experience. But the person who experienced the most, in my opinion, was this lovely young female adult who said, "Yes" to God's plan, and I almost ruined it with my own plan.
"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope. When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart, you will find me with you, says the Lord, and I will change your lot;" (Jeremiah 29:11-14)
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